I know that not everyone is a fan of the Beatles. But, to understand Rock n Roll today, you have to realize that if it wasn't for the work that those four musicians did in a short span of 6 years, we wouldn't be where we are today. They inspired millions of people and introduced a format of writing and album-making that was unheard of before. And, as proof here, they still inspire people today.
AND... some more inane and boring soul-searching on my part. Skip the purple if you're not interested and head straight for the bottom.....
I'm still feeling pretty rough today.
It's not like I was happy and carefree, and this one incident sent me over the edge. I can handle A LOT of shit before I melt down. I just see my life as one crisis after another, overlapping and layered one on top of another. One crisis doesn't even get resolved before another one pops up. Sometimes it just gets too much to handle, and I crack. And after I crack, I fall into a depression that seems bottomless.
I know I have personal flaws that cause a lot of my issues...
1 - My Attention Deficit Disorder affects my ability to stay focused on any one project for very long, especially if I don't enjoy what I'm doing.
2 - I find it hard to filter my thoughts when I speak. Sometimes I'm either too direct and my words are cutting or hurtful, OR I just say stupid shit, as it's the first thing that pops in my mind. Usually, it's something that is totally the wrong thing to say at any given time.
3 - My tactfulness is for shit.
4 - I tend to over think things way too much, to the point of causing enough anxiety to make me sick.
5 - I have a history of making the wrong choices in my life.
6 - I can be lazy. Especially if I am unmotivated.
As for things outside of my control.... I can only think of one... Due to the economy, the job market in my city/state is horrible. My only skill sets that I have nurtured (sales) limit me in what I can do. Sales jobs are a dime a dozen, but most of them involve a lot of cold-calling which I suck at, or are selling products that are near impossible to sell and make a living at (which is why they are available to begin with. Nobody wants them.)
It's like a vicious cycle, and the best thing I can do is distract myself and escape into music, or politics, or my love for Star Wars, Japanese tokusatsu, Sci-Fi, fonts or cooking. I tend to let my troubles and distractions take priority over things in my life that are important like basic housekeeping, home repairs, looking for other jobs, and most importantly, time with my family. When I do spend time with my family, especially during these crisis modes, the underlying anxiety causes me to be on edge and short with people, especially when they don't deserve it. And there are times, more often than not, that I try and use humor to disguise my pain, but it's relatively transparent and obnoxious.
Hopefully, there won't be too many more posts like this. It has suddenly become a journal for me to get my feelings out, and try to understand them myself. If I can articulate them, maybe it will be easier for me to work with them, change them, overcome them. For the time being, at least it makes me feel a little better.
Boy, I really feel vulnerable right now. I've been airing my issues to thousands of people. It's like I posted a dick pic of myself or something. Fortunately, all I am to you is a computer screen. I'd be even more embarrassed if you actually knew me. Hopefully, maybe, in expressing my pain and problems, I'm helping people realize that they are not alone in the world. I know that I can't possibly be the only one who feels this way. And we all know that misery loves company.
Let's all hope these depressing posts end soon!!!!
Thanks for listening to my problems...