Saturday, February 18, 2017
Ryuichi Sakamoto - Sweet Revenge - 1994
There are a lot of good tracks on here, but I am always ALWAYS drawn to 7 Seconds. Stone cold classic. No real b-sides, and only enough room for a couple of mixes. But, definitely one worth having.
As for yesterday... (and today, unfortunately) I snapped when a minor problem was the last straw. If you aren't interested in my personal problems, then skip the green and go straight to the bottom.
When you're a kid, you always think that you're going to grow up and find this great job that you are going to excel at, and everyone is going to be impressed and rely on you and you will totally love what you are doing, so much that it won't even feel like work.
I was President of Future Business Leaders of America in High School. I was in advanced and gifted classes all through K-12. I majored in advertising and graphic design. I went to a national competition for graphic design....
And here I sit, with no college degree, selling janitorial supplies over the phone, shuffling delivery tickets and managing a 200.00 cash drawer. And, I might just lose my job, because I may or may not have made someone mad. I am tired of getting shit on by half-wits that I know I'm mentally superior to. I'm not being egotistical, it's just a fact.
I have worked myself through 3 different jobs in the past 9 years, only to lose them all. And they were all shitty jobs to begin with. I've burdened myself with two cars, a large house that I can't afford (even when my wife had a job we were just barely making ends meet) a rental property that is draining what little money we have left, and my wife still can't find a job. And, now I hear rumors that I may have pissed someone off at work, and I might lose my job over it. I hate the fucking job, with a passion, but, I can't afford to lose it, especially not now. How many of you know how miserable that is? Probably a lot, I know.
On top of that, I do have ADD, which I try to make light of, but coupled with being a manic depressive, and having several other issues from my childhood that have fucked me in the head, it only makes things worse. It's funny, no matter what anyone ANYONE says about how great I am or what potential I have, my self-esteem is for shit. My self-loathing is fucking palpable.
I also think the seasonal change alters my moods as well. Not the one where winter makes you depressed and sad, but the one like today, when I walked out on my front porch and it's 70 degrees out and the sun is shining in a cloudless sky, and I instantly feel like cutting my own throat.
Thank god for medication. It's about the only thing that holds me together, along with a steady diet of prayer, hoping that someone up there is listening. I also have been to a shrink before. I went to him weekly for 3 years straight, and, at times I feel more messed up than before I started.
This was just the straw that broke the camel's back. I'll admit, I'm not the most stable person out there, but, I'm not fucking crazy, alright? I haven't completely lost it. Just working through a very very bad patch....
I just thought I owed you all some sort of explanation, also because it's still plaguing me. And that's not even the problems that occurred several weeks ago, this is just from the last couple days.
SO THERE YOU HAVE IT! Hope you enjoy the music...