Tuesday, February 21, 2017
My provider has kicked me off their system, but has given me access until Friday to find a new provider, which I have. I get my new provider installed on Thursday.
It would appear, though, that now my current provider has blocked my uploading. I can't upload anything. I have no problems downloading or doing things such as this. I only have issues when I try and upload.
I guess I'm in a forced break now until at least Thursday night. Sucks to be me.
So, go listen to all that cool-ass music I gave you, and have a blast. I'll see you when my service is back on line/
Monday, February 20, 2017
The album starts very strong and is fantastic through about the first 5 songs. Then, it drops off and the rest of the songs are slightly better than mediocre, a little better than good, but not great. The b-sides tacked on at the end are pretty good, too.
Looking at this Melody Maker cover, I specifically remember the Oasis/Blur controversy, and shocked that Noel even gave voice to something like he did. Think what he wants, you just don't say shit like that. Needless to say, I still love his work. Hope his attitude toward the subject has changed, though.
So, no more of me crying the fuckin' blues. I'm not "alright", but the edge has been dulled, and I move into manage mode, now. I want to thank those of you who took time to comment on my issues, and hope you all don't think I'm too crazy.
Sunday, February 19, 2017
I know that not everyone is a fan of the Beatles. But, to understand Rock n Roll today, you have to realize that if it wasn't for the work that those four musicians did in a short span of 6 years, we wouldn't be where we are today. They inspired millions of people and introduced a format of writing and album-making that was unheard of before. And, as proof here, they still inspire people today.
AND... some more inane and boring soul-searching on my part. Skip the purple if you're not interested and head straight for the bottom.....
I'm still feeling pretty rough today.
It's not like I was happy and carefree, and this one incident sent me over the edge. I can handle A LOT of shit before I melt down. I just see my life as one crisis after another, overlapping and layered one on top of another. One crisis doesn't even get resolved before another one pops up. Sometimes it just gets too much to handle, and I crack. And after I crack, I fall into a depression that seems bottomless.
I know I have personal flaws that cause a lot of my issues...
1 - My Attention Deficit Disorder affects my ability to stay focused on any one project for very long, especially if I don't enjoy what I'm doing.
2 - I find it hard to filter my thoughts when I speak. Sometimes I'm either too direct and my words are cutting or hurtful, OR I just say stupid shit, as it's the first thing that pops in my mind. Usually, it's something that is totally the wrong thing to say at any given time.
3 - My tactfulness is for shit.
4 - I tend to over think things way too much, to the point of causing enough anxiety to make me sick.
5 - I have a history of making the wrong choices in my life.
6 - I can be lazy. Especially if I am unmotivated.
As for things outside of my control.... I can only think of one... Due to the economy, the job market in my city/state is horrible. My only skill sets that I have nurtured (sales) limit me in what I can do. Sales jobs are a dime a dozen, but most of them involve a lot of cold-calling which I suck at, or are selling products that are near impossible to sell and make a living at (which is why they are available to begin with. Nobody wants them.)
It's like a vicious cycle, and the best thing I can do is distract myself and escape into music, or politics, or my love for Star Wars, Japanese tokusatsu, Sci-Fi, fonts or cooking. I tend to let my troubles and distractions take priority over things in my life that are important like basic housekeeping, home repairs, looking for other jobs, and most importantly, time with my family. When I do spend time with my family, especially during these crisis modes, the underlying anxiety causes me to be on edge and short with people, especially when they don't deserve it. And there are times, more often than not, that I try and use humor to disguise my pain, but it's relatively transparent and obnoxious.
Hopefully, there won't be too many more posts like this. It has suddenly become a journal for me to get my feelings out, and try to understand them myself. If I can articulate them, maybe it will be easier for me to work with them, change them, overcome them. For the time being, at least it makes me feel a little better.
Boy, I really feel vulnerable right now. I've been airing my issues to thousands of people. It's like I posted a dick pic of myself or something. Fortunately, all I am to you is a computer screen. I'd be even more embarrassed if you actually knew me. Hopefully, maybe, in expressing my pain and problems, I'm helping people realize that they are not alone in the world. I know that I can't possibly be the only one who feels this way. And we all know that misery loves company.
Let's all hope these depressing posts end soon!!!!
Thanks for listening to my problems...
Saturday, February 18, 2017
There are a lot of good tracks on here, but I am always ALWAYS drawn to 7 Seconds. Stone cold classic. No real b-sides, and only enough room for a couple of mixes. But, definitely one worth having.
As for yesterday... (and today, unfortunately) I snapped when a minor problem was the last straw. If you aren't interested in my personal problems, then skip the green and go straight to the bottom.
When you're a kid, you always think that you're going to grow up and find this great job that you are going to excel at, and everyone is going to be impressed and rely on you and you will totally love what you are doing, so much that it won't even feel like work.
I was President of Future Business Leaders of America in High School. I was in advanced and gifted classes all through K-12. I majored in advertising and graphic design. I went to a national competition for graphic design....
And here I sit, with no college degree, selling janitorial supplies over the phone, shuffling delivery tickets and managing a 200.00 cash drawer. And, I might just lose my job, because I may or may not have made someone mad. I am tired of getting shit on by half-wits that I know I'm mentally superior to. I'm not being egotistical, it's just a fact.
I have worked myself through 3 different jobs in the past 9 years, only to lose them all. And they were all shitty jobs to begin with. I've burdened myself with two cars, a large house that I can't afford (even when my wife had a job we were just barely making ends meet) a rental property that is draining what little money we have left, and my wife still can't find a job. And, now I hear rumors that I may have pissed someone off at work, and I might lose my job over it. I hate the fucking job, with a passion, but, I can't afford to lose it, especially not now. How many of you know how miserable that is? Probably a lot, I know.
On top of that, I do have ADD, which I try to make light of, but coupled with being a manic depressive, and having several other issues from my childhood that have fucked me in the head, it only makes things worse. It's funny, no matter what anyone ANYONE says about how great I am or what potential I have, my self-esteem is for shit. My self-loathing is fucking palpable.
I also think the seasonal change alters my moods as well. Not the one where winter makes you depressed and sad, but the one like today, when I walked out on my front porch and it's 70 degrees out and the sun is shining in a cloudless sky, and I instantly feel like cutting my own throat.
Thank god for medication. It's about the only thing that holds me together, along with a steady diet of prayer, hoping that someone up there is listening. I also have been to a shrink before. I went to him weekly for 3 years straight, and, at times I feel more messed up than before I started.
This was just the straw that broke the camel's back. I'll admit, I'm not the most stable person out there, but, I'm not fucking crazy, alright? I haven't completely lost it. Just working through a very very bad patch....
I just thought I owed you all some sort of explanation, also because it's still plaguing me. And that's not even the problems that occurred several weeks ago, this is just from the last couple days.
SO THERE YOU HAVE IT! Hope you enjoy the music...
Friday, February 17, 2017
You know, when it rains it fucking pours in my fucking house. I thought that by this time in my life, approaching 50 (in five years, I know) I would have sorted myself by now. But, shit keeps stacking and life keeps piling and you feel like you're drowning and don't know which way is up. I want to get in my car and start driving and keep driving until I run out of gas, then start walking and keep walking until my legs can't support me anymore. I know running from my problems won't solve them, but that's all I feel that I can do. What's bad, is they're fucking problems that have haunted me my entire fucking god-forsaken life. If it weren't for the sake of my boys and my wife, I would have checked out a long time ago. Sometimes, I just hate living.
Have a happy Friday.
Thursday, February 16, 2017
I love you, sweetheart. I know you'd sacrifice everything for your family. And, I'm incredibly grateful for it.
Chat with you later....
Wednesday, February 15, 2017
My version differs slightly from the Japanese deluxe version released 6 years ago. I don't have a couple mixes, and I didn't put Pump or More on as well. I stuck with what I have, as it's what I remember as a kid (is 19 a kid anymore?) Regardless, it's a great little album for 808.